Embarrassing or Empowering: Choice is Yours to Speak Out and Recover

Lately, I have been talking to a lot to people about my book Love on the Line, How to Recover from Romance Scams Gracefully and without Victimisation, It has been a huge learning curve for me about how to best advocate to my audience the importance of recovery as a surviving method from romance scams. My method has been writing through healing narrative. I have been surprised to find how hard the recovery really is because so many people feel embarrassed by their own experience. 

There are many reasons for embarrassment from loosing money to not really believing that such a thing could happen to me. Sometimes it is hard to face yourself and admit to the vulnerability that is within everyone of us. Sometimes it is hard to be confident to know that it was never your fault, even though the victims are often blamed for the crime, What is certain is that anyone can become a target of a scammer. Dr Cassandra Cross from the Queensland University of Technology, while talking at my book launch in January 2016, put it as it is:

   "The reality is that anyone could become a victim of scammers. We all have vulnerability. We have to respect that the offenders know exactly how to find that vulnerability and weakness. That is their profession."

She also said that people like me who come forward and speak out are rare. I was not really aware how rare, before I started to really engage with my readers and interested audience. I also found that many websites or groups that take on the issue of scamming have to work in secrecy or very privately to keep their members protected from treats. It was a schock to understand how many people are affected by scamming.

Wouldn't it be the ideal that our world would support the victims of scams. Instead, many feel isolated and afraid. Many feel devastated and disillusioned with the world. Luckily, there is hope, healing and recovery to consider. There are those who have spoken out about it, like Sharron Armstrong with her #standup2scams community. There are people like John with his Website and Facebook group who want to help. There are bloggers like Jas who write about inequality and how to engage yourself in making the world a better place, Last, but not least, there e people like Chris and Glenda who have made it their primary purpose to help others, in business and in person to get over it and act on it. I feel it my duty to spread the word of hope and positivity through writing.

So, join me in empowering yourself by using hashtags like #stanup2scams and my new one #speakoutandheal in your social media postings. Also tags like #empowerment #endviolence #positiveaction and #recoveryispossible would be good. And you can make up your own as you go. Blogging is also an effective and easy way to get your meaning accross to a wider audience. Sometimes, there might not be a huge readership, at first but we are working towards a long time result so every little action is a welcome addition to the movement. And if you have some good ones, please feel free to comment and and suggest down below, 

I am currently developing writing workshops and also a newsletter. My new Website for Love on the Line Book is alive and there is a blog that is all about those important question that has come fort during my book signing and event tours. Feel free to get involved. My main Website should get you everywhere. The book can be bought through Xlibris or any other main distributor like Amazon. Ah, and do like my Facebook Author page, too.

I wish you all a great Holiday Break from Australia.

How to Become a Key Person of Influence (KPI): Revisited and Revised Conference

I think that every person who is interested in entrepreneurship should know about the book called Key Person of Influence and about KPI Business Brand Accelerator seminars. Personally, I got to know about them 18 months ago, when I first attended a seminar in Brisbane. I was completely mesmerised by what I learned that day. I even attended the strategy session that was held the day after. It was there that I decided to write a book. 

At the time, I was still thinking about what my book would be about but the day solidified my thoughts and gave me clear purpose. I decided that my experience as a survivor of a Romance Scam was important enough to share with others. However, we honestly looked at it with Glen Carlson and decided that I did not quite fit the program. However, on that day I did meet a person who would became an important partner for me. Chris Henderson ended up becoming my coach and helping me to break some very solid barriers that I had imagined I had. The moment I knew that there would be another KPI seminar, I bought a ticket straight away. I was curious to know how the people who had started with the program were doing and was not disappointed in any way. They were doing fantastic, thank you very much. How wonderful is that!

One and half years ago these guys were good. Now they absolutely blew my mind by their presentations and by their wit. It is extremely well done when you can happily laugh with the other attendees and comfortably share little silliness alongside of an important futuristic message. In my mind I always rate the success of a venture by the ease, showmanship and the confidence I see the MC displaying. Glen has certainly been a wonderful leader. The results speak for themselves. Before it was a good day, now I think I should be on the program.

We heard the same speakers as last time, speaking about the same topics as last time. Then, they were inspirational. Now, they all were much sharper and more refined. This time, I never looked at the clock and wonder when the next break would be. I did not sense a moment of hesitancy from any of them. Saying this in a blog seems like a trivial thing to notice but I feel it is not. See, last time, I also found them incredibly inspirational. Now, they were even better. This time you knew that they had been successful beyond their own expectations and that confidence showed like a beam of light sighting through. You can even read it from the new and revised version of the book.

What Daniel Priestley before called a Five-Step Sequence has now become a Method. The Internet that he, just a few years ago pinpointed as the most influential 'game changer' has been further sharpened in the term 'digital' and that in its turn is explained as 'revolutionary stuff'. He now gets his own point and tells it through a story of a microphone. I love his explanation about the concept 'micro-niche' applied to his method. His explanations fits the theory of my favorite economist Thorsten Veblen's 1901 model of how the consumption process runs, from the elite to the masses and from the bulk to the specified, macro to micro and so on. Here, he is explaining the communication system enhanced with the development of technology. I have explained just about anything from scamming to dolls through the same theory. It fits. How clever is that. And new trends just keep on emerging.

So, the story of the KPI Business Brand Accelerator has clearly matured in the few years that I have followed their progress. It is an interesting thing to witness. I am really happy that I went. I definitely got a lot of new inspiration from the day. I thank all the speakers: Glen Carlson, Matthew Michalewicz, Andrew Griffiths, Tim Dwyed, Valerie Khoo and Jo Burston for the new focus.

And since it just has been the International Women's Day when I am writing this blog post, I leave you with a picture. It is of Jo Burston, Founder of Inspiring Rare Birds, an international network of women entrepreneurs. She is talking about the importance of the positive mindset. This half of a sentence:  "And by the way, you are waterproof", stuck with me. For women, it certainly means a lot. Here it is, enjoy and please, check the links. They might save your business, if not your life.

Imaginary or Real Life Relationships? That is the Quiestion.

  Why is it so hard to build a relationship in real life? What happens when we meet someone and feel the attraction? Does it go both ways and if it does, how long does it last? What is the attraction of Apps like Tinder? And what does Twitter and texting has to do with our rewards system in the brain? To start to answer these questions here is a picture I found from Scammer Mimes Facebook page that got me thinking. It states:

    “You were much more interesting when you were online.” Does that sound about right?

   I recently met a man through an online dating site. He was perfect. His picture was perfect. His profile was perfect and in our messaging and texting, he insinuated that he was truly interested in the same things that I am. He was also very supportive to my writing career. I had written about scamming and he thought that it was appropriate. He said that he did not want losers, he wanted for us to support each other in whatever we wanted to achieve in life. It all sounded wonderful and I allowed myself to think and imagine what we could do together. And that in its turn was a great turn on for me. It was as if I had actually met him and as if we had already built our relationship. My dopamine hormone got me high just thinking about it. I am good at that. We messaged for a good two weeks and then decided to meet in person. We would meet at a popular café, about half way from each other. And that we did.

   When we met, it was like instant connection. It was as if my expectations were thoroughly met by this man walking down the street to meet me. He was handsome, and he walked in a manner a confident man walks. The moment he said hi and smiled produced a high in my brain. Wow, this was going somewhere and fast. Instant attraction, instant connection and I knew it was mutual. And we had not met through Tinder, so I thought that it was not about sex, at least not entirely. So, we talked and walked and cuddled and after I left, I crashed. I got stressed, depressed and anxious and felt like running away and very quickly at that. So what happened?

   My brain suddenly reacted by increased production of the stress hormone cortisol as well as the fight-or-flight hormone adrenaline, which caused a mental fog. I got thoroughly confused about what I should do. My decision-making capabilities were at cero. So, I went home and soothed my brain by checking on Facebook and then on Twitter. I checked all my emails and deleted most of them, so that I would feel like I had done something worth mentioning. And then I saw that someone had posted an article about what happens in your brain when you multitask. And it all clicked into place. Once again, I had used my literary, imaginary capabilities to make my dream date perfect and could not see the forest from the fog afterwards.

This article explains it:
                    “[By] asking the brain to shift attention from one activity to another causes the prefrontal cortex and striatum to burn up oxygenated glucose, the same fuel they need to stay on task. And the kind of rapid, continual shifting we do with multitasking causes the brain to burn through fuel so quickly that we feel exhausted and disoriented after even a short time. We’ve literally depleted the nutrients in our brain.”

   But what happened, I ask. Why did I react the way I did in the first place?
Well, I wrote that pink book called Love on the Line. How to Recover from Romance Scams Gracefully and without Victimisation. And my rational mind recognised the signs although my emotional brain went on producing the high and enjoying the ride as well. So, I sort of baked the cake and ate it as well.

  It is good to know that I have learned something from my own mistakes and experience. However, that has not yet resulted in my brain building all new neural pathways that would immediately prevent me from making bad decisions. I still do make them and afterwards I regret. The man I met wanted just sex, after all and when he got only reluctant kisses and cuddles during our walk, he turned nasty. He insulted me and my mother, my daughter and couple of other well-chosen words came out of the same mouth that had previously told me how beautiful I looked and how attractive he found me. Luckily, the situation ended there and he did not follow when I turned around and walked to my car and left. So, what should I do?

   Should I stop looking for love and believing in the good in everyone or maybe just keep reading romance books, like I have always done? It is a hard question and in this new instant digital world we live in, a valid question as well. Building real relationships in the instant gratification real life is hard. Particularly, when the other party only wants what he thinks he is entitled to get after pretending to be nice online. That is why he is more interesting there. And I might leave him there, at least just for now, while I gather my positivity after the crash and find the things that I should be grateful about, like that I once again survived, not an online dating scam but a real life personal treat.

   I recon we should think about that for a while and just stay on course to see what could be done to somewhat heal this broken world and the broken dreams it carries and offers to those who like to always think the best of everything.

What PornHarmsKids Symposium Thought Me about Pornography and Harm in the New Millennium

It has been 21-years since I attended a conference on Human Trafficking, Prostitution or Pornography. I quit for a while because after 15-years of researching these topics, traveling the world and talking about it, I had become disillusioned about the world. I actually related to just about anything through my research on pornography. I saw the patterns of power-over and subjugation everywhere.

Now, I realise that it is because our memory is built through patterns and anything outside these patterns we notice and remember. For me, there was nothing outside the patterns of violence I detected around me. My brain had been collecting material since a very young age and at that time I could relate everything, including children's play and dolls through the dichotomy of power over and subjugation that can be found at the heart of the idea of the pornographic message. I felt I had to get out and save myself from too much harm. Luckily, moving to Australia was the solution and a new career in age care and community building was the salvation. But how long can it last before the universe provides new impetus for thought for someone who is trying to ignore it the best she could? Not long. Somewhere in my subconsiousness, I did keep up with the issues and the connections kept adding up. Then I found myself a target of a romance scam and wham, the world made sense again. 

My book Love on the Line. How to Recover from Romance Scams Gracefully and without Victimisation is a result of that shock of becoming a victim of a scam. Through it I explain the bigger picture that I see through the patterns built in my brain about power over and subjugation through pornography, romance book reading and scamming. Now I am detecting scams in everything, especially in how we relate to each other as human beings. I am already in the process of writing a sequel. But before it my mission was to update my knowledge about pornography and harm it brings to us in the new Millenium.

Luckily, I saw the online add for the PornHarmsKids Symposium. It was held at the University of NSW on the 9th of February. I got my plane ticket and donated in my fee as advised and all and all, I was a little late but got there anyway. And this is what I learned on one day listening to very professional speakers and discussing the topics with other concerned attendees:

Unfortunately, I learned that nothing much has changed in 20-years I have not been active in this field. Or maybe everything has changed, depending on your view of things. I now, hold a personal 35-year historian view based on my own research about how the message of pornography harms human beings; women, men and children; those that are vulnerable and being used as pawns to earn money for those others with callous minds or otherwise disruptive behavior thought patterns about the matter of power-over and subjugation. I'll be frank. 

The most profound change is visibility. Or maybe not! Remember the billboards? We drive past them with the family everywhere. Well, during the 1980's porn was plastered directly on them. It's message was interfering with our lives most anywhere, I remember those sexualised women sitting on some fancy cars on billboard and I remember having to explain all of it to my son and my daughter. Even porn magazines were advertised along with alcohol and tobacco. We fought them down in Europe, USA and Scandinavia and the world followed through. The argument was: porn is everywhere. And it was. Unfortunately, just as the solutions for those times were put in place, Internet appeared and the visibility shifted to homes and anywhere with access to it. The message remained unchanged. Though, now we could view it from the comfort of our own space and more of us could find and watch porn without interruptions.

The other profound difference has come through brain research, actually. For now we KNOW, what we only had an inkling about during the 1980's. Our brain is affected by what we see. It builds patterns and our actions follow through, if we let them. And, now we also know that it take around 25-years to grow a fully functioning frontal cortex with the ability to rationalise. So, we know that young brains are affected and harmed the most by what they pick up along the growing process. PornHarmsKids Symposium was all about how to tackle that huge problem we are faced with by free access to online pornography. There are some alarming sign detected about our behaviour as human adults and kids in relation to how we see the world and act on impulses of the ideas that are presented to us. This can be really bad news for women and girls as our lives are heavily affected through vulnerability and conditioning. I am not saying that the men and boys are not affected. They are but the power-over and subjucation clause of pornography clearly points to the victim as female. It is hard to detect, I know. 

In fact, one of the speakers at PornHarmsKids Symposium, Dr Tucci, actually theorised that the different way the boys and the girls react to pornography points to inequality. He said that he could not understand what it was in that in boys, porn trickers their arousal response, while this does not happen in girls. Conditioning perhaps, he suggested. Well, I know! After all we live in a patriarchy and the messages in porn are molded to mirror the power-over and subjugation clauses inbuilt in the very structures of our society. Not a very hard thing to draw a conclusion from there. 

For me the rest of the symposium was about finding what practical advice, each and every speaker could give in order to best tackle the problems at hand. Three big ones come to mind:

Melinda Thankard Reist forwarded the messages that young girls want to say to boys about relationships:

And the @Cypercop1 Susan McLean gave advice to parents who are struggling to cope with the ever expanding world of pornography and how to explain and guide their children to avoid abuse and hate.

And lastly, Collett Smart gave us the 10 Body Safety Rules that can help a child to recognise where the boundaries lie:

There is an excellent PornHarmsKids website to go to for more information. From there you can get the videos and the articles that keep coming about the symposium and about the issue. I am really pleased that I went. Meeting all these brave and courageous people has given me hope. Also look up the Twitter handles @PornHarmsKids and @CollectiveShout. I know that young people themselves are very concerned and they will come up with some solutions of their own, once they are educated about this issue in an open and nonjudgmental atmosphere. 

Until that time, it is our responsibility to keep working at it. It is our responsibility to insert hope, recovery and happy endings positivity to the world. Hopefully you'll follow along and take action for the betterment of the situation and the world. Every era needs their own solutions. Let's find the ones that work now in the new Millennium.