Imaginary or Real Life Relationships? That is the Quiestion.

  Why is it so hard to build a relationship in real life? What happens when we meet someone and feel the attraction? Does it go both ways and if it does, how long does it last? What is the attraction of Apps like Tinder? And what does Twitter and texting has to do with our rewards system in the brain? To start to answer these questions here is a picture I found from Scammer Mimes Facebook page that got me thinking. It states:

    “You were much more interesting when you were online.” Does that sound about right?

   I recently met a man through an online dating site. He was perfect. His picture was perfect. His profile was perfect and in our messaging and texting, he insinuated that he was truly interested in the same things that I am. He was also very supportive to my writing career. I had written about scamming and he thought that it was appropriate. He said that he did not want losers, he wanted for us to support each other in whatever we wanted to achieve in life. It all sounded wonderful and I allowed myself to think and imagine what we could do together. And that in its turn was a great turn on for me. It was as if I had actually met him and as if we had already built our relationship. My dopamine hormone got me high just thinking about it. I am good at that. We messaged for a good two weeks and then decided to meet in person. We would meet at a popular café, about half way from each other. And that we did.

   When we met, it was like instant connection. It was as if my expectations were thoroughly met by this man walking down the street to meet me. He was handsome, and he walked in a manner a confident man walks. The moment he said hi and smiled produced a high in my brain. Wow, this was going somewhere and fast. Instant attraction, instant connection and I knew it was mutual. And we had not met through Tinder, so I thought that it was not about sex, at least not entirely. So, we talked and walked and cuddled and after I left, I crashed. I got stressed, depressed and anxious and felt like running away and very quickly at that. So what happened?

   My brain suddenly reacted by increased production of the stress hormone cortisol as well as the fight-or-flight hormone adrenaline, which caused a mental fog. I got thoroughly confused about what I should do. My decision-making capabilities were at cero. So, I went home and soothed my brain by checking on Facebook and then on Twitter. I checked all my emails and deleted most of them, so that I would feel like I had done something worth mentioning. And then I saw that someone had posted an article about what happens in your brain when you multitask. And it all clicked into place. Once again, I had used my literary, imaginary capabilities to make my dream date perfect and could not see the forest from the fog afterwards.

This article explains it:
                    “[By] asking the brain to shift attention from one activity to another causes the prefrontal cortex and striatum to burn up oxygenated glucose, the same fuel they need to stay on task. And the kind of rapid, continual shifting we do with multitasking causes the brain to burn through fuel so quickly that we feel exhausted and disoriented after even a short time. We’ve literally depleted the nutrients in our brain.”

   But what happened, I ask. Why did I react the way I did in the first place?
Well, I wrote that pink book called Love on the Line. How to Recover from Romance Scams Gracefully and without Victimisation. And my rational mind recognised the signs although my emotional brain went on producing the high and enjoying the ride as well. So, I sort of baked the cake and ate it as well.

  It is good to know that I have learned something from my own mistakes and experience. However, that has not yet resulted in my brain building all new neural pathways that would immediately prevent me from making bad decisions. I still do make them and afterwards I regret. The man I met wanted just sex, after all and when he got only reluctant kisses and cuddles during our walk, he turned nasty. He insulted me and my mother, my daughter and couple of other well-chosen words came out of the same mouth that had previously told me how beautiful I looked and how attractive he found me. Luckily, the situation ended there and he did not follow when I turned around and walked to my car and left. So, what should I do?

   Should I stop looking for love and believing in the good in everyone or maybe just keep reading romance books, like I have always done? It is a hard question and in this new instant digital world we live in, a valid question as well. Building real relationships in the instant gratification real life is hard. Particularly, when the other party only wants what he thinks he is entitled to get after pretending to be nice online. That is why he is more interesting there. And I might leave him there, at least just for now, while I gather my positivity after the crash and find the things that I should be grateful about, like that I once again survived, not an online dating scam but a real life personal treat.

   I recon we should think about that for a while and just stay on course to see what could be done to somewhat heal this broken world and the broken dreams it carries and offers to those who like to always think the best of everything.

Has Fraud Touched Your Life: Sharon Armstrong in Conversation at the QLD Fraud Support & Recovery Group

It is an alarmingly ever rising number of people that are touched by fraud in its different forms. Many have a personal experience with scammers, and others know someone from their family, friends and acquaintances who have been victims of fraud. It is a devastating experience and many do not recover or it takes years of great effort and strength to move on in life.

Meet Sharon Armstrong, a very courageous woman, who was scammed into unknowingly carrying drugs for her scammer. She was arrested and spent two and half years in an Argentinian prison for a crime she was scammed to commit. Should she have known better?

After all she is an intelligent woman. She had previously held a high position in the New Zealand Public Service and had not for twenty years had time to think about dating with her busy life. This had been her own choice. Somehow, though, she suddenly fell for a charming man at the other end of the line and was convinced that it was her destiny to marry and spend the rest of her life together with this same man. For the sake of their future, she was ready to help him with money and later by picking up some papers and carrying them to London, where she would meet him. But this did not happen. Instead she was stopped by the customs in Argentina. She was told that she was carrying cocaine and that she would be arrested. Later she was sentenced and in the end spent two and half years of her life in the prison surrounded by other 'drug mules'. What was it that made her so vulnerable to scammers?

I am really interested in her story. It is yet another version of the Ghana scam, like mine was as well. It adds another more frightening, if not deadly dimension into the life of a victim of a scam. She talks about vulnerability but adds that maybe even saying that makes the person more vulnerable. And vulnerable people get caught in scams again and again. She prefers the term survivor just as I do. She is not sure that she has recovered, though. What is it that keeps the victims attached, I would ask.

An other woman who is listening to Sharon thinks that she would be too sceptical and this kind of romance scam just wouldn't happen to her. I doubt her statement. Media, who was very hash in the case of Sharon declared that of course it could happen to her; what else could she expect, because 'she is fat and plain'. I strongly disagree. And she is not that. Clearly she is attractive, intelligent and strong, otherwise she would not be putting herself forwards again and sharing her experience in order to educate and raise awareness for fraud and especially for the different forms of romance scams.

My research, packed by others shows that no, she could not have known better. There is no clear profile of a person who would fall for a romance scam. Everyone is a potential prospect. It is all in the scammers ability to catch the target at the right time and persuade her/his brain to act with the emotional 'lizard brain' instead of the rational frontal cortex. The experience of the continuous flooding of oxytocin to the brain keeps us attached and falling yet again and again. Sharon confirms this when asked about how she did go from loss to recovery. Her answer is that it was easier for her because she was 'locked up'. Otherwise, she says, 'it would have been hard for her to keep away from this man'. But what is it that contributed to her personal recovery when so many affected people cannot make the transition from a victim mode to the survivor strength?

Sharon Armstrong sits up and looks at the audience with confidence and lists her reasons:
- always having a positive outlook
- thinking and seeing that others had it tougher than her
- learning to appreciate little things
- learning to forgive
- her family's continuous and unwavering support

Her wisdom is profound. She states that forgiveness is not about others. It is about you. And learning to be grateful is a way to recovery. It is important to share your experience in order to fight the scams, to raise awareness. 'We must stop the shame', she says. I fully agree. It is crucial that there are people, just like Sharon who are willing to personally step into limelight to make the fight visible.

Sharon has started a campaign. It is called Standup2scams. It is everywhere on the social media but mostly on the Facebook and the Twitter. You can easily find it there. She has also recently been part of a two part documentary. It can be found through her pages as well. I am looking forwards to her new projects.

There is a book on the line in near future and also a possible documentary project. So there is much to come from her experience that will change your knowledgebase about romance scams and fraud.

Otherwise if you need help right now, please be aware that there is a QLD Police Fraud Support & Recovery group meeting every month. And similar groups are being planned and founded elsewhere as well. Here is a flyer for that:

Be Inspired by Everything

At this time of the year in Australia, I am really inspired by the colours of the spring. They are everywhere. Everything seems to bloom. And still, after so many years of living in Queensland and experiencing it, I get inspired by the idea that long time ago some forward thinking people planted flowering trees around the place in rows so that other people would be able to enjoy and be inspired by them in their unforeseen future. I also get inspired by the fact that everything that in my birth country is grown inside in pots here grows into trees and flowers as well.

I get inspired by little things. People who smile and say hello even though they do not know you. They are in the act of spreading goodwill and sharing their positivity. It is invigorating.

I get inspired by art, music and culture. Listening to inspirational music lifts your spirits spreading calmness and good feelings. it contributes to making your day better.
                                    
I get inspired by exhibitions and museums where people have collected inspiring things or ideas. Even after experiencing the Queensland Museum many times, I still think it is cool that the sex of a sea turtle is determined by the temperature of the eggs.

Most of all I get inspired by other people being inspired. The look of rapture, passion and enthusiasm when they talk about things that inspire them. It can be anything.

Recently, I was inspired by Yvette Adams at the Westside Business Women's breakfast. She inspired us by likening marketing to eating ice-cream. I can just see the visual image of a child enjoying the ice-cream and this inspires me further to try everything she suggested we try on the net.

Just couple days ago, I was inspired by a conversation about light bulbs. It is incredible how the technology and science of producing electricity has changed in the recent times. It is inspiring to understand that the little halogen light that previously did not light much has become so powerful as a light source that it can now light a whole stage.

Last night, I was inspired by the calming music at a friend's house. Listening to the clever piano player being inspired by a long passed composer made my day.

Today, I am looking forward to much more inspiration. My eyes will see things, my primary visual cortex will transport the images to 30 other processing centers of my brain. This process will create meaning for me. My limbic system will recognise the feelings that come to me and I'll be once again inspired by everything I see, do and think.

It is a viscous circle but someone has to be inspired, so why not you and me?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Traveling With Compassion as a Criteria

Many people choose to travel the world in pursuit of great and famous sites and sights. I am much like that, also. But lately just traveling and sightseeing has not really been so attractive to me any more. What I want to do is to be challenged by what I see. I want to be immersed and fully participating in my travels. Otherwise, I feel the time is wasted.

I want to be able to tell a great compassion in action story. I want to be able to see something that really makes me think about what is special about the site where I visit. I also like to ponder about what it represents or how it relates to the transformation of human consciousness.

Many recommended famous places that are perused by visitors in thousands are great historical monuments dedicated to wars, fame and money. Generally, I am less interested in them.

I want to see the places and monuments that reflect compassionate actions. Something that has or is having a continuous effect in the changing human consciousness.

I am quite happy with small deeds. Lot's of small and less noticeable actions combined can contribute to the wellbeing of the humankind in a big way.

In the theory of apprehensive inquiry and strategic questioning it is determined that the questions have to be set up right to produce the desired results. It is better to start from the positive actions than try to fix the negative behavior. The positive strategic positioning will increase the positive result and outcomes.

My new blog at http://www.thecompassionateworldtraveler.blogspot.com/ is my answer to the quest. It records where I have been searching. In the beginning I will go backward in time to the places I have already visited but will also collect new interesting places or stories in preparation for visiting more places.

I hope this will prove to be an enjoyable journey that will enhance our understanding of compassion in action. Please, check it out and enjoy.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad