Riding My Book Home: Thank You for Reading and Spreading the Word about Romance Scams

What is the most exciting thing about book writing is that it is an adventurous journey to get your book out there to the world. What a very satisfying feeling it is, to be standing there on the podium at the Avid Reader Bookshop reading from my book to the audience of attentive  listeners. It is worth looking back one year and summing up my experience.

One year ago, I had moved to Gympie in order to live near my grandchildren. I am utterly grateful to my wonderful son-in-law for suggesting that move. It gave me the creative space I needed for writing. I would never have thought of it myself. I was sort of stuck in the idea of staying in my own ecological house for the rest of my life. But no, instead, the move proved to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. About that time I had also attended  Chris Henderson's coaching first ever intensive two day retreat with a few other eager women looking for real and valuable change in their lives. This all prompted me to really start developing the depth to my Love in the Line book storyline. I had been thinking the issue important enough to share with the world but had been unsure about how to truly confront my fears of putting words on paper. The retreat was the catalyst that prompted me to really start writing. My biggest challenge was my language barrier. Writing a book in my second language came to fruition with great support from my coach. I learned that everyone needs a guiding hand and a support group.

I found my support group in the Howling at the Moon women's community in Brisbane. It is great to have a healthy support system that strengthens your aspirations and lets you be yourself with no judgement. At the meetings on every full moon, it is a wonderful feeling to be able to share my thoughts with others who care about taking action for change. I can full heartedly recommend for every woman to take on a challenge of finding their own network of achievers who actively support you and your goals. Rest was just writing.

I would not say that it was a ride in the park. Having a dear friend and my long time feminist legend mentor  Dr Gloria F Orenstein as a conversation partner in some difficult situations of deciding where to take my storyline helped me to keep on course with the right message I wanted to convey to the audience. It is a blessing to have good company when you ponder on the burning world issues like the internet romance scamming with its roots deep in the world of pornography and violence against women mentality.

It is very peculiar how I had stopped my researcher career in the middle of 1990's, when the global discussion about prostitution, pornography and violence against women sort of went underground just to publish my book in time when the world is truly recognising the need to understand and take action against violence against women, romance scamming being the top #1 fraud crime in the world. That is where my book can help.

A huge thanks to getting things done in the right way goes to my son Nillo Halonen in Finland and his Spartacus team. They designed my personal author Website and the smart branding of my profile. Without Nillo's cheerful and focused prompting, the book might even now have been some time from being published.

Luckily, I had already decided on the Publisher Xlibris right at the start. Originally, I did it to encourage myself with the pressure of investing in myself and my self-publishing venture, but it turns out that it was a good deal. I have learned a lot about publishing during the gone year. Now I know what to do with the second book that I have already started writing.

So, you see that standing on that podium talking about my book to the book loving friends and listening to Chris, Fiona and Dr Cassandra Cross talking about me and my book was a culmination of a long work process on several fields, just like my book is interdisciplinary work of non-fiction combined with personal narrative and a couple of fictional short stories.

Previously I was interviewed about why I wrote the book and  just yesterday Jas Rawlinson posted a brilliant review about my book in her Thoughts from Jas blog. I am truly blessed because all the reviews and articles, so far, have been very encouraging and wonderful to me. Thank you all and everyone for reading and talking about my book and so highlighting the issue of romance scams and the source where is leads to, namely violence culture in our society.

I want to write some more and I will. The future looks like there is so much more to say. Stay tuned for the sequel. It is in the writing. For now I urge you to take action and share the story of Love on the Line. How to Recover form Romance Scams Gracefully and without Victimisation.

Why It Is Important to Highlight the Issue of Romance Scams

Just last week I was talking to a few people about my coming book LOVE ON THE LINE. I was enthusiastically explaining my theories and approaches only to be suddenly stopped by the realisation that the person I was talking with had been a victim of scam herself and when I asked if she had lost money, she said: 'Yeah, yeah!'

So, here it is again. More people in my list who are wondering just what happened or how come it happened and confirming that they lost money they can ill afford. Knowing that they never get their money back again. And even though I have now written a whole book explaining my views on how this can happen, I am still at awe of how it is that every time this issue of Romance Scams is raised in any conversation I am involved in, there always is someone who has been a victim.

Every conversation I have had with anyone about it has also revealed more people who know people who have been victims of romance scams. We should talk about it more. Maybe then those who have been affected could get some closure and not just keep it in their own private minds. Airing the issue makes more people feel less embarrassed about speaking out about their own experience. This is important as then those affected feel less isolated with their thoughts and experiences. 

In the Fraud Siupport Group I attend to, I hear people tell their story again and again. It is like they want to reassure themselves that it is a right thing to do. That the shock never truly lessen because, every time you think about it, you are confronted with the fact that it happened and it happened to me. Many victims keep asking themselves: 'How on earth was I so vulnerable?' And it never seems to go away, however much you think about it. It is like an ever rewinding record player. So, what can we do to move on and stop the self-blame? 

What I did was write a book. I looked at the research on how people who are affected by trauma cope with it. I investigated how directing the emotions an experience with romance scam to writing effect the  survival from the scam and how one might overcome in time. I tried to find a solution on how one might be able to move on with dignity intact and without victimasation. How successful I was, will be judged by the reader reaction and their feedback, once the book is published before the end of the year. But for me it was a freeing experience. 

I find that now, it is easier, and easier to raise the issue with anyone I encounter without feeling shame over the fact that it happened to me. I know that I am not alone with this experience. I know that there are more and more support structures being created. I know that there are more and more professional and government procedures being tightened so that people with experience about romance scams are able to find help and relief from their worry and wonder. 

You can start by Googling scamwatch.com.au or finding support pages from Facebook. Just write Romance Scam in the search. It does not matter where you are, in what continent or whichever country. Laws are being looked at and tightened. The issue of scams is being high lightened more and more and more. This is a good thing! It makes me happy to have written a book to further the recovery from romance scams in a small way. My book is about my own solution. But everything counts towards the more equal future against crime, violence and inequality in this world. 

Stay tuned. There is more on the way.

Inspiration Application; Marketing the Best of You!

Last week I was at the Westside Business Women's Breakfast meeting listening to a very interesting and thought provoking talk by Deborah Jackson about marketing the best of you.

Deborah is a client attraction specialist who has written a book called Easy Marketing for Women. It is Pink!

She has chosen to write her book for women because she feels that most of the books on marketing have been written with men in mind and mostly take their examples from their experience. Her book highlights the female experience of joggling many tasks at one go.

Of course, when listening to talks at breakfast meetings, they are always condensed to their shortest essentials and to get the full benefit, you must then read the books and follow their advise to know if it works. Like other times, this is my speciality. I like following advice, if it leads to something worthwhile.

So, that is what I did. I read the book and followed the leads where it took me. I created a folder on my iPad memos for pursuing the best of me, everything I get inspired about and everything I could do if I wasn't doing what I do now. This takes serious contemplation. My folder contains headings suggested by Deborah, such as Branding, Passion, Reasons, Customers and Ideas.

For a week now, I have been putting some of my efforts into building a make belief company on what I do best. I have had discussions with friends and workmates on what they think about what I do best. It has been a very interesting experience. I really recommend Deborah's book for those who are thinking about starting a business or are seriously concerned about marketing the best of themselves to the well thought target groups.

My Experinnce

Listening to Deborah and other motivational speakers in many seminars over the last few months has left me thinking about inspiration application as a concept.

Every now and then we do need inspiration. Sometimes the inspiration we hold leads to action. If it does not, then we have lost a very valuable opportunity. Sometimes, the action we take is shortsighted as we may think that we know what we want but in the end, what we wanted wasn't what we really needed or what was the best of us.

Deborah gives us good practical tools for considering our marketing strategy. It can be applied everywhere, even in marketing the best of you.

Thank you for taking time to read my blog. Here is a link to Deborah's Website:
Here is a link to Westside Business Women's Website


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Notes from the Communities in Control Conference in Melbourne, May 29-30, 2011

Women Achieving and Flourishing

A Pre-Conference Seminar with Christine Nixon (Our Community & Women’s Leadership Institute Australia)

I am keeping my promise to report on my experiences at the ‘Communities in Control Conference’ in Melbourne. ‘Our Community’ has so far organised this conference for nine years but this year is my first time as a participant. It is really exciting.

My partaking was made possible with the kind support of Qld Health and Caddies Independent Minds, Drug and Alcohol prevention program for Youth-at-Risk which is funded with Qld Health CHIC funding. Already at the pre-conference seminar I was able to meet people who work with youth in other parts of the country.

From the start, it was a crash course in networking. As I was early to the seminar and did not know anybody, I needed to make friends and fast. Luckily for me all the other ‘early birds’ in our table were chatty and willing to share. Quickly we found that we all were keen users of the social media as a vehicle for networking. It gave a lively start to introductions all around.

By the time the official seminar started our table had found that we represented different States: Queensland, Victoria, Canberra, South and Western Australia and worked in a wide variety of services from fundraising and education to aged care and youth support services.

We established that we had all come to the seminar because we had been inspired by Christine Nixon’s work as a former Victorian Police Commissioner and as the Chief for the Victorian Bush Fire Recovery.

Previously, I had also been told by another participant that this particular seminar opened up a new area, namely leadership skills as a pre-conference seminar for ‘Our Community’. “Usually”, I was told, “the seminars have been about fundraising or grant writing.”

This one was particularly aimed for women and 120 of them turned up as duly invited to the seminar. It shows that there is a great call for this kind of seminar and that it was a good move on the part of the organisers. Each table had approximately eight places. They made a working group each.

At first we were introduced to ‘Chatham House Rules’ by our facilitator, Christine Nixon. They mean: ‘What is said in the room, stays in the room’. In her outline, she was adamant that the seminar would be a safe place for personal discussions and that respect would be shown to all participants.

First discussion:

Known achievers in female leadership.

We were asked who the female leaders we admired the most are and what qualities we think they could give us. Obviously Christine Nixon was high up there as an admired female leader.

I found it interesting that many people mentioned their local female council members and Mayors as most admirable. Obviously many also admired Joan Kirner. Not so many world leaders were mentioned apart from the Queen and Oprah Winfrey. Mostly, it is those near us like our own teachers and managers that make the deepest impact on us and so influence our future. Observably, I was the only one who counted in legendary feminist world leaders apart from Indira Gandhi, who was mentioned. No other historical leaders were mentioned.

Here is a summary of how an admired female leader looks like according to the seminar.

She:

• Has lived the work and the family balance
• Has a belief system and a conviction
• Is authentic
• Is collaborative
• Is very respectful of others
• Uses a gentle form of influence
• Advocates
• Is compassionate
• Is resilient and determined but does not have to take on male traits to achieve it
• Translates ‘mothering’ as a leadership quality

Second discussion:

How to grow to become a good leader?

Christine outlined a woman’s possible pathway to a leadership role. In many cases she used herself as an example. It is why we went there, to learn from her experience as a for-runner for female leadership with heart in the tough male world of the Australian Police Force. In my observation she exhibited a quality of inspiring positivity which was recognised by the audience. We were hanging on her every word.

According to Christine, the early stages of leadership growth are shaped by the personal environment. The people around us influence us and show us the way. Often we just ‘go along'.

Very soon, though, an aspiring leader shows itself in the form of the development of direction and the show of resilience with the blending of values. ”A leader learns to lead” and soon has her own voice.

An ever growing leader blends her experience with reflection on her own and other’s behaviour. It is a tough thing to do, but the learning curve is worth the trouble. There is always a way to work through the tough parts. For Christine Nixon it is: “Layering the experience, having a go at it and learning from it.”

In the handout, we are recommended to read R. Kegan and L. Laslow’s (2009) book Immunity to Change (Harvard Business Press) as a practical source for good leadership strategy.

They say that a good leader:

• Reflects on their own and other’s behaviour
• Is able to handle contradictions
• Is flexible and can see both sides of the argument
• Leads to learn
• Makes sense of the situation at the time
• Selects, focuses and drives forward
• Is able to sort the ‘wheat from the chaff’
• Is openly ready to take on information and different points of view

Third discussion:

Managing people means ‘unlocking potential’

In this part we discussed the kind of managers we have encountered. On average it is found that each person has experienced two inspiring managers in her life. They are the ones we can ‘walk over hot coals’ for.

They:

• Have strong rapport with us
• Have presented us with a safe environment
• Are worthy of our trust and respect
• Are empowered
• Care about our professional development
• Did what they say they do
• Show patience and humour
• Are inclusive

Mentoring is a way to enhance women’s leadership traits. It was highly recommended as a positive action. It ensures the continuity for female leadership. Emotional support is also recognised as important.

Christine highlights a survival strategy: “Don’t take yourself too seriously and focus on financial, physical and emotional wellbeing. Have a plan.”

Fourth discussion:

Focus on ourselves

We think about what barriers we face in achieving a leadership role. We find there are many:

• Being afraid
• Imagination
• Circumstances
• A limiting self-belief system
• Fear of success
• Lack of self-discipline

Christine asks us: “Has anyone ever told you that you are never going to amount to anything?” Many participants have experienced this. Many find it a constant struggle to overcome the barriers.

Christine tells us her favourite line on how to endure: “This is not a sprint, it is a marathon!” She has heard it from some wise person in her past as a comment. It pretty well reflects everyone’s idea about overcoming the huge barriers women in general still face in leadership roles is many work environments. I certainly see that as a long-time advocate for women’s and human rights.

Luckily this seminar has demonstrated that most of us can name an admired female leader more close to home. One we can learn from and mirror, if we are so inspired.

Concluding remarks

When Christine was asked about her management style, she said that she uses ‘the shared leadership model’. She also translates the ‘good parenting model’ of “I do not like that behaviour but I love you” in her leadership practice. She tells us she used ‘support and pressure’ model in order to get results as a Police Commissioner. As an example she tells us about working towards lowering the number of stolen cars in Victoria, or lowering the number of domestic violence cases. She tells us to think about “what is real” and to have ‘a sense of yourself.” It is really beneficial to think about who you are. It is also important to admit to mistakes.

About criticisms and those who want to put us down Christine advices: “Have a look at who your critics are.” There is a need to make a decision about the people criticising you, to decide if listening to them is beneficial for the direction of your future.

Lastly Christine quotes Oscar Wilde: “Be yourself because everybody else is taken.” This is good advice to us all.

To say the least, I enjoyed this seminar very much. It was a really inspiring experience and gave me a chance for reflection. Many fellow participants along with me liked the fact that we got the Certificate of Recognition at registration, right at the start. Only showing up was enough to be recognised.

I am really looking forward to reading Christine’s book. It is called Fair Cop and comes out in August.

Since this report is put on my blog a few days after the seminar, due to the Internet failure in my hotel, I can also report that I had many follow up conversations on this seminar. I had these conversations not only with the participants on my table but also with others, including men who the participants have talked enthusiastically to about the seminar. What did strike me the most was the accuracy of the proceedings that was recounted back to me.

It is very positive to know that the seminar had an effect beyond the day it was held.