Imaginary or Real Life Relationships? That is the Quiestion.

  Why is it so hard to build a relationship in real life? What happens when we meet someone and feel the attraction? Does it go both ways and if it does, how long does it last? What is the attraction of Apps like Tinder? And what does Twitter and texting has to do with our rewards system in the brain? To start to answer these questions here is a picture I found from Scammer Mimes Facebook page that got me thinking. It states:

    “You were much more interesting when you were online.” Does that sound about right?

   I recently met a man through an online dating site. He was perfect. His picture was perfect. His profile was perfect and in our messaging and texting, he insinuated that he was truly interested in the same things that I am. He was also very supportive to my writing career. I had written about scamming and he thought that it was appropriate. He said that he did not want losers, he wanted for us to support each other in whatever we wanted to achieve in life. It all sounded wonderful and I allowed myself to think and imagine what we could do together. And that in its turn was a great turn on for me. It was as if I had actually met him and as if we had already built our relationship. My dopamine hormone got me high just thinking about it. I am good at that. We messaged for a good two weeks and then decided to meet in person. We would meet at a popular café, about half way from each other. And that we did.

   When we met, it was like instant connection. It was as if my expectations were thoroughly met by this man walking down the street to meet me. He was handsome, and he walked in a manner a confident man walks. The moment he said hi and smiled produced a high in my brain. Wow, this was going somewhere and fast. Instant attraction, instant connection and I knew it was mutual. And we had not met through Tinder, so I thought that it was not about sex, at least not entirely. So, we talked and walked and cuddled and after I left, I crashed. I got stressed, depressed and anxious and felt like running away and very quickly at that. So what happened?

   My brain suddenly reacted by increased production of the stress hormone cortisol as well as the fight-or-flight hormone adrenaline, which caused a mental fog. I got thoroughly confused about what I should do. My decision-making capabilities were at cero. So, I went home and soothed my brain by checking on Facebook and then on Twitter. I checked all my emails and deleted most of them, so that I would feel like I had done something worth mentioning. And then I saw that someone had posted an article about what happens in your brain when you multitask. And it all clicked into place. Once again, I had used my literary, imaginary capabilities to make my dream date perfect and could not see the forest from the fog afterwards.

This article explains it:
                    “[By] asking the brain to shift attention from one activity to another causes the prefrontal cortex and striatum to burn up oxygenated glucose, the same fuel they need to stay on task. And the kind of rapid, continual shifting we do with multitasking causes the brain to burn through fuel so quickly that we feel exhausted and disoriented after even a short time. We’ve literally depleted the nutrients in our brain.”

   But what happened, I ask. Why did I react the way I did in the first place?
Well, I wrote that pink book called Love on the Line. How to Recover from Romance Scams Gracefully and without Victimisation. And my rational mind recognised the signs although my emotional brain went on producing the high and enjoying the ride as well. So, I sort of baked the cake and ate it as well.

  It is good to know that I have learned something from my own mistakes and experience. However, that has not yet resulted in my brain building all new neural pathways that would immediately prevent me from making bad decisions. I still do make them and afterwards I regret. The man I met wanted just sex, after all and when he got only reluctant kisses and cuddles during our walk, he turned nasty. He insulted me and my mother, my daughter and couple of other well-chosen words came out of the same mouth that had previously told me how beautiful I looked and how attractive he found me. Luckily, the situation ended there and he did not follow when I turned around and walked to my car and left. So, what should I do?

   Should I stop looking for love and believing in the good in everyone or maybe just keep reading romance books, like I have always done? It is a hard question and in this new instant digital world we live in, a valid question as well. Building real relationships in the instant gratification real life is hard. Particularly, when the other party only wants what he thinks he is entitled to get after pretending to be nice online. That is why he is more interesting there. And I might leave him there, at least just for now, while I gather my positivity after the crash and find the things that I should be grateful about, like that I once again survived, not an online dating scam but a real life personal treat.

   I recon we should think about that for a while and just stay on course to see what could be done to somewhat heal this broken world and the broken dreams it carries and offers to those who like to always think the best of everything.

What PornHarmsKids Symposium Thought Me about Pornography and Harm in the New Millennium

It has been 21-years since I attended a conference on Human Trafficking, Prostitution or Pornography. I quit for a while because after 15-years of researching these topics, traveling the world and talking about it, I had become disillusioned about the world. I actually related to just about anything through my research on pornography. I saw the patterns of power-over and subjugation everywhere.

Now, I realise that it is because our memory is built through patterns and anything outside these patterns we notice and remember. For me, there was nothing outside the patterns of violence I detected around me. My brain had been collecting material since a very young age and at that time I could relate everything, including children's play and dolls through the dichotomy of power over and subjugation that can be found at the heart of the idea of the pornographic message. I felt I had to get out and save myself from too much harm. Luckily, moving to Australia was the solution and a new career in age care and community building was the salvation. But how long can it last before the universe provides new impetus for thought for someone who is trying to ignore it the best she could? Not long. Somewhere in my subconsiousness, I did keep up with the issues and the connections kept adding up. Then I found myself a target of a romance scam and wham, the world made sense again. 

My book Love on the Line. How to Recover from Romance Scams Gracefully and without Victimisation is a result of that shock of becoming a victim of a scam. Through it I explain the bigger picture that I see through the patterns built in my brain about power over and subjugation through pornography, romance book reading and scamming. Now I am detecting scams in everything, especially in how we relate to each other as human beings. I am already in the process of writing a sequel. But before it my mission was to update my knowledge about pornography and harm it brings to us in the new Millenium.

Luckily, I saw the online add for the PornHarmsKids Symposium. It was held at the University of NSW on the 9th of February. I got my plane ticket and donated in my fee as advised and all and all, I was a little late but got there anyway. And this is what I learned on one day listening to very professional speakers and discussing the topics with other concerned attendees:

Unfortunately, I learned that nothing much has changed in 20-years I have not been active in this field. Or maybe everything has changed, depending on your view of things. I now, hold a personal 35-year historian view based on my own research about how the message of pornography harms human beings; women, men and children; those that are vulnerable and being used as pawns to earn money for those others with callous minds or otherwise disruptive behavior thought patterns about the matter of power-over and subjugation. I'll be frank. 

The most profound change is visibility. Or maybe not! Remember the billboards? We drive past them with the family everywhere. Well, during the 1980's porn was plastered directly on them. It's message was interfering with our lives most anywhere, I remember those sexualised women sitting on some fancy cars on billboard and I remember having to explain all of it to my son and my daughter. Even porn magazines were advertised along with alcohol and tobacco. We fought them down in Europe, USA and Scandinavia and the world followed through. The argument was: porn is everywhere. And it was. Unfortunately, just as the solutions for those times were put in place, Internet appeared and the visibility shifted to homes and anywhere with access to it. The message remained unchanged. Though, now we could view it from the comfort of our own space and more of us could find and watch porn without interruptions.

The other profound difference has come through brain research, actually. For now we KNOW, what we only had an inkling about during the 1980's. Our brain is affected by what we see. It builds patterns and our actions follow through, if we let them. And, now we also know that it take around 25-years to grow a fully functioning frontal cortex with the ability to rationalise. So, we know that young brains are affected and harmed the most by what they pick up along the growing process. PornHarmsKids Symposium was all about how to tackle that huge problem we are faced with by free access to online pornography. There are some alarming sign detected about our behaviour as human adults and kids in relation to how we see the world and act on impulses of the ideas that are presented to us. This can be really bad news for women and girls as our lives are heavily affected through vulnerability and conditioning. I am not saying that the men and boys are not affected. They are but the power-over and subjucation clause of pornography clearly points to the victim as female. It is hard to detect, I know. 

In fact, one of the speakers at PornHarmsKids Symposium, Dr Tucci, actually theorised that the different way the boys and the girls react to pornography points to inequality. He said that he could not understand what it was in that in boys, porn trickers their arousal response, while this does not happen in girls. Conditioning perhaps, he suggested. Well, I know! After all we live in a patriarchy and the messages in porn are molded to mirror the power-over and subjugation clauses inbuilt in the very structures of our society. Not a very hard thing to draw a conclusion from there. 

For me the rest of the symposium was about finding what practical advice, each and every speaker could give in order to best tackle the problems at hand. Three big ones come to mind:

Melinda Thankard Reist forwarded the messages that young girls want to say to boys about relationships:

And the @Cypercop1 Susan McLean gave advice to parents who are struggling to cope with the ever expanding world of pornography and how to explain and guide their children to avoid abuse and hate.

And lastly, Collett Smart gave us the 10 Body Safety Rules that can help a child to recognise where the boundaries lie:

There is an excellent PornHarmsKids website to go to for more information. From there you can get the videos and the articles that keep coming about the symposium and about the issue. I am really pleased that I went. Meeting all these brave and courageous people has given me hope. Also look up the Twitter handles @PornHarmsKids and @CollectiveShout. I know that young people themselves are very concerned and they will come up with some solutions of their own, once they are educated about this issue in an open and nonjudgmental atmosphere. 

Until that time, it is our responsibility to keep working at it. It is our responsibility to insert hope, recovery and happy endings positivity to the world. Hopefully you'll follow along and take action for the betterment of the situation and the world. Every era needs their own solutions. Let's find the ones that work now in the new Millennium. 

Has Fraud Touched Your Life: Sharon Armstrong in Conversation at the QLD Fraud Support & Recovery Group

It is an alarmingly ever rising number of people that are touched by fraud in its different forms. Many have a personal experience with scammers, and others know someone from their family, friends and acquaintances who have been victims of fraud. It is a devastating experience and many do not recover or it takes years of great effort and strength to move on in life.

Meet Sharon Armstrong, a very courageous woman, who was scammed into unknowingly carrying drugs for her scammer. She was arrested and spent two and half years in an Argentinian prison for a crime she was scammed to commit. Should she have known better?

After all she is an intelligent woman. She had previously held a high position in the New Zealand Public Service and had not for twenty years had time to think about dating with her busy life. This had been her own choice. Somehow, though, she suddenly fell for a charming man at the other end of the line and was convinced that it was her destiny to marry and spend the rest of her life together with this same man. For the sake of their future, she was ready to help him with money and later by picking up some papers and carrying them to London, where she would meet him. But this did not happen. Instead she was stopped by the customs in Argentina. She was told that she was carrying cocaine and that she would be arrested. Later she was sentenced and in the end spent two and half years of her life in the prison surrounded by other 'drug mules'. What was it that made her so vulnerable to scammers?

I am really interested in her story. It is yet another version of the Ghana scam, like mine was as well. It adds another more frightening, if not deadly dimension into the life of a victim of a scam. She talks about vulnerability but adds that maybe even saying that makes the person more vulnerable. And vulnerable people get caught in scams again and again. She prefers the term survivor just as I do. She is not sure that she has recovered, though. What is it that keeps the victims attached, I would ask.

An other woman who is listening to Sharon thinks that she would be too sceptical and this kind of romance scam just wouldn't happen to her. I doubt her statement. Media, who was very hash in the case of Sharon declared that of course it could happen to her; what else could she expect, because 'she is fat and plain'. I strongly disagree. And she is not that. Clearly she is attractive, intelligent and strong, otherwise she would not be putting herself forwards again and sharing her experience in order to educate and raise awareness for fraud and especially for the different forms of romance scams.

My research, packed by others shows that no, she could not have known better. There is no clear profile of a person who would fall for a romance scam. Everyone is a potential prospect. It is all in the scammers ability to catch the target at the right time and persuade her/his brain to act with the emotional 'lizard brain' instead of the rational frontal cortex. The experience of the continuous flooding of oxytocin to the brain keeps us attached and falling yet again and again. Sharon confirms this when asked about how she did go from loss to recovery. Her answer is that it was easier for her because she was 'locked up'. Otherwise, she says, 'it would have been hard for her to keep away from this man'. But what is it that contributed to her personal recovery when so many affected people cannot make the transition from a victim mode to the survivor strength?

Sharon Armstrong sits up and looks at the audience with confidence and lists her reasons:
- always having a positive outlook
- thinking and seeing that others had it tougher than her
- learning to appreciate little things
- learning to forgive
- her family's continuous and unwavering support

Her wisdom is profound. She states that forgiveness is not about others. It is about you. And learning to be grateful is a way to recovery. It is important to share your experience in order to fight the scams, to raise awareness. 'We must stop the shame', she says. I fully agree. It is crucial that there are people, just like Sharon who are willing to personally step into limelight to make the fight visible.

Sharon has started a campaign. It is called Standup2scams. It is everywhere on the social media but mostly on the Facebook and the Twitter. You can easily find it there. She has also recently been part of a two part documentary. It can be found through her pages as well. I am looking forwards to her new projects.

There is a book on the line in near future and also a possible documentary project. So there is much to come from her experience that will change your knowledgebase about romance scams and fraud.

Otherwise if you need help right now, please be aware that there is a QLD Police Fraud Support & Recovery group meeting every month. And similar groups are being planned and founded elsewhere as well. Here is a flyer for that:

Contemplation on Social Media

The Community Services Forum held at Cleveland discussing Social Media trends and the future of Volunteering.





The Queensland Compact, held at Sunshine Coast, Social Media Workshop.





Aged Care Services Forum held in Brisbane, encouraging participants to look at Social Media as Human Potential.





The members of Logan Country Chamber of Commerce at Jimboomba, being encouraged by Russell Lewis to use Social Media as a marketing tool.





Ehon Chan at Innovate Symposium Social Media Workshop organised by Volunteering QLD.





Yvette Adams introducing the Westside Business Women to Social Media usage in small business marketing at their breakfast meeting in Springfield Lakes.

Discussing the trends

It is unanimous, inevitable, decided and agreed that our world has gone through a complete Social Media revolution in a few years. We are more connected, accessible and visible than ever before. It is not a question of do we like it, it is a question of how to use it to the best of it's ability.

We do not run our businesses on like, we operate them on professionally well thought strategies. The use of Social Media is not a choice, it is a survival strategy that is being introduced to every facet of our lives, business and private.

There is no way a modern business owner, or a non-profit organisation can ignore Social Media as a viable tool for getting the message across to the existing customers and potential target groups.

Every layer of our society, from the Commonwealth and the State Governments and Advocacy Organisation to the smallest of the business owners and groups is considering Social Media.

Lately, we have witnessed the impact of Social Media in surviving catastrophes and influencing political decision making. It has been effectively used in gathering large crowds to one place to demonstrate or take action.

There is no doubt that the Social Media as a tool cannot be ignored. It can only be embraced and used to it's best advantage.

Those who are still in doubt should maybe try to apply the Critical Thinking Methods to how, where and which vehicle to use for their social media messages to be most efficient in the market place.

I have found that for a non-profit community organisation building a positive and engaging community through the social media outlets like the Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn can be a good way to spread the community spirit.

On a personal level I've found that choosing the right social media vehicle for your personal and professional live is the key to engaging with your network. I've found that it is the quickest way to hookup with friends and business partners and get their immediate respond.

The choice of how you engage through the social media is all yours. Why not enjoy the experience to the full!



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